dear bitchDear Bitch,

I have been told that I have an attitude problem. I am a freelance photojournalist with no formal training (some might say I am a younger, hipper Annie Liebowitz). Basically, I saw someone taking pictures for a news crew and I thought, “I can do that! And better than they can!” So, I went and bought a second-hand camera and starting taking pictures all over the damn place and tried to sell them to the newspapers. They wouldn’t bite, because they said some bullshit about my photographs not being of an acceptable quality. Well, fuck them! What do they know anyway?

So, I decided to start taking pictures and selling them on random websites myself. I have a small group of rabid fans that will totally buy any damn thing I put out, even if it’s fuzzy! But honestly, fuzzy pictures of mine are better than crystal clear photos taken by those ‘professional’ photographers that think they’re all high and mighty, just because they learned how to do it from some other elitist.

But I’ve gotta tell you, I have had it up to my arm pit with people thinking they can judge my work just because I have it publicly displayed. They say “Did you set your apershure right?” and some stupid bitch said “Is the foreground supposed to be in focus?”

What the fuck? Don’t these people understand that not everyone has had ‘proper training’ to take well-constructed, in-focus photographs? So I feel that it is necessary to defend my honor at the slightest provocation. I also tell all my friends to lay wrath upon anyone that thinks my stuff isn’t as good as I think it is. How else am I to sell stuff if I don’t attack those that don’t like it?

I guess I don’t really have a question, I’m just looking for you to validate my feelings of self-righteousness cause I know you’ll understand.

Sincerely,

Ego Maniac in Maine

 

Dear Maniac,

You would think I’d be the one human in the world that would be supportive of egomaniacal ramblings from self-righteous douchebags. And you’d be wrong! Now allow me to outline how wrong you would be to make such an ASSumption.

I am a bitch. I am proud of my bitchery. However, I recognize the fact that I am a bitch, and can see how others might find me offensive instead of funny. And people are welcome to think so, as I put this shit out in a public forum for (approximately) 5 people to read. I do this for free.

You put your shit on a public forum too, but you charge people for it. Complaining when someone doesn’t think you’re the bee’s knees is one thing (in your own head; no one wants to listen to you whine). Publicly flogging them and sending your cronies after them is another. Not everyone is gonna think you’re the shit, and they certainly won’t want to pay you for the pleasure of owning your ‘fuzzy prints.’ And don’t compare yourself to Annie Liebowitz. I don’t even need to see your stuff to know you are NO Annie. She was hella good at what she did, it was ALWAYS in focus, and she knew what the hell an aperture (actual spelling) was.

So feel free to take as many pictures as you want. If they’re good, people will buy them. If they’re not, people won’t. The only thing you’re doing with your public flogging is guaranteeing I will never buy anything of yours.

You can take your self-righteousness and shove it up your ass, right next to where your head is. 

You’re welcome,

Bitch

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